Posted on January 12, 2012 by


U.S. researchers, using orbital technology, have discovered low-level but unmistakeable signatures indicative of some degree of sentient activity within the previously impenetrable hive referred to as METRO. Snug in their greenly-remodeled former Sears store (which cost taxpayers more than double what it would have cost to demolish and rebuild on the site), the regional government agency has a well-established history of hiring pulmonates, or land-snails – a policy which has served them well until now.

Recent data, however, indicate the emergence of potentiallly sentient life-forms within the compound: as they explore the possiblity of building an off-site elephant facility for their zoo subsystem, significant qestions have emerged.

Also on the table is construction of an off-site elephant facility, which could help the zoo’s breeding efforts. Stroud said the most promising location is at Roslyn Lake in Sandy, but officials are also looking at other sites.

The zoo is conducting a feasibility study for that project, and Stroud said initial findings showed that the $7.2 million set aside for capital construction would be inadequate. Questions about zoning, use and environmental impacts also abound.

“It’s not imminent,” Stroud said of that project. “The Metro council has been very clear they want a solid plan, particularly around operating funding, before they’re willing to invest in the property and construct anything. We don’t want to construct and then not be able to use it.”

Mike Keele, a former zoo security guard who now heads the project and recieves a six-figure income for doing so, was not, it appears, available for comment.

By all appearances, however, this linch-pin project that was sold to voters is never going to lift off. That’s not a bad thing, however: Multnomah County’s Wapato jail was built, but has never housed a prisoner. Somebody at Metro has figured out that they may need to fund operating costs for an elephant facility. And they don’t have the money.

Clearly, Metro has screwed up. They need to replace these folks with YES folks. People that think represent a clear danger to government.