BREAKING – EXCLUSIVE: KATE BROWN RESIGNS AS OREGON SECRETARY OF STATE

Posted on March 31, 2012 by

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In a stunning article today, April 1, 2012, Kate Brown, Oregon’s beleaguered Secretary of State announced her resignation, and also stated her re-election campaign effort is canceled.

Ms. Brown has served as Oregon’s Secretary of State since 2009. She was elected in 2008 after receiving campaign contributions from radical left wing activists, including $65,000 received directly from the Secretary of State Project.

Ms. Brown Stated “While you were examining my decision to move the Bureau of Labor and Industries election to November, you were able to figure out that I was put in this job to help unions continue their stranglehold on the Oregon economy. Additionally, my highest priority work was to circumvent and undermine Oregon’s election and initiative processes.”

“Since this task has largely been completed”, continued Ms. Brown, “my work here is largely done as contracted as part of George Soros’ Secretary of State project.

“I strongly hope that my appointed successor will carry on the tradtition of enabling election tampering and fraud, and overall dominance of Oregon by public and private unions.”

Representatives of the SOS Project declined to speak on the record, but this writer found that the number one requirement for receiving funds from this project in 2008 is as follows: “No election official should play a partisan role in an election he or she will play a role in administering. All election officials must conduct their responsibilities openly and objectively to restore public confidence.“ This author believes that, based on the forementioned requirement, the SOS Project would not support Ms. Brown’s re-election campaign if it were run today.

In 2009 Secretary Brown was recognized by the Aspen Institute as one of the 24 “Rising Stars” in American politics.  An anonymous source at the Institute, when caught off guard with the news of Ms. Brown’s announcement, said “obviously, we erred in giving her this award. She wasn’t supposed to get caught.”

Bill Bradbury, Brown’s predecessor from 1999-2009, was dismayed at the news. Bradbury reflected “Kate has accomplished more activism in the office of Secretary of State in her two years than I was able to do in my 10 year tenure in the office. She will be sorely missed.”

Former Governor Ted Kulongoski stated “I always felt secure with Kate in the Secretary of State office. You may not know that since Oregon doesn’t have a Lieutenant Governor, the Secretary of State would assume the role of governor if something happened. I always felt Kate would look after my unions very well if the unthinkable had happened during the time we overlapped in Salem.”

After her resignation, Brown will continue to reside in Portland with her husband. Before her downfall, she was recognized as the highest ranking bisexual politician in the US. Although she is giving up her political career, she will remain both married and bisexual.

BREAKING – in a surprise statement by Governor Dr. Kitzhaber – Brad Avakian has been appointed to complete Ms. Brown’s term as Secretary of State. Gov. Kitzhaber has also asked Mr. Avakian to discontinue his campaign for Bureau of Labor and Industry, giving Senator Bruce Starr a defacto victory in November.

– This article has been contributed in fun for April Fools Day, 2012. We wish her record were a put-on.

 

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Posted in: Satire